Friday, August 16, 2013

A Revisit

When I 1st started this blog and was trying to think of title, I took the famous Forrest Gump movie line, "Life is Like a Box of Chocolates, you never know what you get," and gave it a cold and pessimistic spin, a belief that I would feel more so than not during that time. Yes, I perverted a statement that is supposed inspire life and its journey. If I was a character in that classic movie, and sat next to Tom Hanks in his white suit waiting for the bus, and he offered me chocolate, I feel I would sample a piece and found some sort of peanut in it that would trigger a harmful allergic reaction. That's how life was rolling along for me, negative news piled upon negative news. My home and work are at the same place, and it bore down my soul as I could not differentiate amongst it and could not physically leave because I might need to help whoever is helping.  Every moment I had during the more turbulent times, I had to worry about something. When I woke up, when I went to bed, when I get fucked up during "my free time," when I am worrying about something I had to worrying about something else. It was a vicious circle that might not have been started as an exercise of mental self-flagellation , but it became that. I know everyone has shit on their mind, but when myself was the one being the passed up, I knew something was up.

But I put a front and rolled with those punches because the situation I was in. I worked my ass because I care for my grandparents, and I have natural affinity for old people, probably because of my grandparents are the ones who raised me. One of the saddest things I ever witnessed in a movie was that scene in Godzilla, the American version with Mathew Broderick which is pretty much universally disliked, where an old geezer is fishing in some sewage infected pier in New York. He casts out his rod, and his ecstatic to get a catch. What he soon learns though is that he just caught Godzilla, and he gets eaten up by the large mutated lizard. As a 12-13 year old, I fucken cried my eyes out. Holy shit, it was so sad, I remember his toothless smile so clearly, when he realizes that his rod has snagged something, than moments to be killed, it was heartbreaking. My love and devotion allowed me to a 3-person job, as quoted by the family doctor I visited last year, but I sought out help to help put myself back in my own picture.

I did see a therapist a few times, free sessions provided by the National Caretaker Association, and he did help me give me tools to deal with the situation. The man is a marriage counselor, and one of the most frequent visitors is wife's who watch and take care of their kids all day. He used adjectives like overwhelmed, confused, worried, tired, and self-doubting their skills as a parent.  It is a stressful job taking care of people. Then he pulled out a therapist buzz word in expectations, and having realistic ones, particular ones that you can control. Ok Doc...

Expectations? What are even fucken expectations? The concept is so dirty, it can be the greatest high or the rock bottom nest low. But the point that I got from the therapist is that you can be in control of it, since it is prediction of your mind. That was a concept I could get behind. Why worry about anything at home, I mean like the way I did before, I have been asked this year a few times by people.. "Do you do a good job?" At 1st I think that's is an odd question, but than I just instantly answer "...Yes." I do an amazing fucken job, my mom taught me the crash course to be a caretaker in one day because she had leave and go back to work. This backhanded question to me just, which I don't care people say the shit they want because they think I'm a irresponsible person due to I have no idea, but it just kind took me out of the equation and looked at the big picture. Even the nurses who visit commend me on my performance and my mom, auntie, and cousins thank me on countless occasions. My expectations as I looked at it than, is to keep on doing what I'm doing, because it is doing the job. I really thank those family friends/relatives who really think low of me that really got me thinking differently, because it really improve my well being and think about other things.

Even though I only did 3 sessions, I felt it was useful.. I can't remember when I saw him, but it was sometime 4-5 months ago but I will say what was the most thing that came out of this venture was the fact that I even took the time to call and make the appointment. Sometimes I feel like I'm part-Irish because Freud once said that they are the only people who impervious to psycho-analysis, while this sure ain't psychoanalysis, the idea is that therapy was not something that I would never consider for most of my adult life. Free helpful services should have been a big blip on my radar but I just ignored it. The act in itself was attempt for me to reach out to people, converse, and communicate and that is great. Even to familiar faces, people you see every, just try talking to them, in a little bit more detail. If they respond, well it is a great thing. If they do not respond, I am sure those 40 seconds it takes to ask will be wasted on some sort of digital or electronic device. 

These positive changes did not happen overnight, as most things in life, but I slowly did do shit that made my day worthwhile, instead of just drinking soju and playing video games until the crack of dawn whie feeling like shit the next because of lack of sleep.  Writing, while my commitment to this blog did expire my love of writing did not, and reading have been things I have been just enjoying. When I read that sentence it does sound really generic and vague, but the way I can absorb and immerse into these ideas, it just speaks to the creative part of my mind. I work diligently on my stories, and I will create something that I can be damn proud of,  and if others like what they read, well that is fucken fantastic. As an artist, I truly believe that "you" are your primary audience, I mean if you do not like, or like is too subjective, but if you do not care about something you are creating, than how the hell is somebody else? Of course this is just a principle as when more parties are involved, or money, things can be a little more complicated,  but the idea still stands somewhat.

 I when you start take care of yourself in one way, and it is a positive thing, it is likely to spread to the other facets of your life. I see this has definitely happened.

 I see my classmates from college on SKYPE talking and now they are all playing DOTA 2 together, and while it does seem fun, I have not even downloaded Steam yet. I mean  I still play a few games every few days, but not to the extent I used to, 4-6 hours a night, and it is usually just to play with my bro or when some of my gaming buddies ask me to play with them, but on my own accord, don't have the fire I used to have. Still love watching professional matches though from time-to-time when it is hyped, I invested too much time and knowledge just miss these storylines for players that I have been watching for a long time.

I've also getting to know someone who is quite spectacular, she is so down-to-earth, intelligent, talented, beautiful, funny, passionate, genuine, dorky, caring... and countless other adjectives. This song has been on the daily playlist for the last month or so.

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