Getting Old

Recently, I have been pretty physically tired just due to the sheer amount of work that is on my plate but that's ok, it's something that a little sleep can't fix. Mentally, pretty good, but this past Sunday, I kind of just was in the crossfire of so much shit from my grandfather that I honestly just stepped out my house and cried for a good 20 minutes. To hear him complain to my brother about me, all I could think of does he really want to alienate the few people around him so he can really die alone? That thought did cross my mind, while I don't believe it, the things he says does warrant that kind reaction. When he is mad he always says stuff like "When I die it is your fault..." or "when I'm gone you all will regret it..." or "without me you would have nothing..." To quote my holistic aunt, he is a ball of negative energy. I usually just ignore that kind of silly talk from him but Sunday I just had to step away for a second, take my niece and nephew outside and watch them pick all the flowers they can found, and be a bit separated from that attitude.  

My grandfather has good intentions, is caring, and is a hard-working man but has made many mistakes that he still regrets to this day. I know this because he constantly talks about and reminds me and my grandfather pretty much every day. It is just a sad sight to see, because his body is slowly giving out, 93 years old for a Chamorro is a long life span, and instead of just accepting a few truths he rather project his pain and dislikes. I feel very sad for him, I do, the person who he cares about the most in life, his eldest daughter, treats and yells at him like a 8 year old kid even to this day. My grandma tells me he likes her the most because she is exactly like her, and when she met his family for the 1st time, they were all like that, constantly talking and criticizing each other. It sounds like such an ugly environment, and is prevalent in some Chamorro household families back at that time and now. But me, I don't do much talking back because if I do, it just gives him an excuse to complain and get equally excited back, a process which has fueled that negative energy for years. My brother tells me that I shouldn't tip-toe around him and just face the music and tell him he needs to treat me with respect or else, if it gets worse maybe, but now, it is manageable. And at his old age, I couldn't even fathom of doing so. Just wish I could get more time away from home, so  the time I am here I am in a positive attitude. Hopefully soon things will change.  

It can be tough but there are many good moments that I will cherish and always remember with him, like he can really make me laugh with stupid jokes from out of nowhere hahaha and be kind, considerate, all the normal grandfatherly things, I just wish that more people can give him the attention that he wants, because in the end, especially when age is getting the best of us, that is what some people desire, the fear of being alone is strong.  He is so scared all the time, when I'm pushing in the wheel chair down a hill he thinks he's going to flip over or roll down and slam in the fence, even though I have wheeled him down that hill thousands of times in the last 3 years. Like a broken record, he says the same things every day, and then complain how I don't do it right, I can take maybe 10 hours of this a day, but recently, with people off-island and busy with stuff, my full day tackling's have been at times a struggle.  

Good to get these feelings off my chest, I've always use my relationship with my grandparents as an excuse for stopping me for something I wanted. Because in the beginning I thought that devout loyalty and responsibility was the right thing to do, but I was not even sure what that meant back than because the way I interpreted was something that would was unhealthy, but wiser and smarter people have helped me make important self-realizations. I was kind thrown into the thick of things the past of couple of years and did a lot of self-discovery in the process.

This song really cheered me up too, that dancing, too awesome~